I started work yesterday after being home for 16 weeks.
I wasn't ready. I loved being at home with Noah. I loved being home to watch every milestone: the first laugh, first giggle.
It makes me sad that I won't be there to see all of the future milestones: the rolling over, etc.
While I know that I am not the first working mother to feel this way, for me this is a rather strange set of emotions.
When Nathan was born, I couldn't wait to go back to work. I was sad to leave him, but I was ready.
I was going crazy at home. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to go back and feel productive. I needed real conversation.
I longed to wear the business suits, the slacks the skirts. I longed to wake up in the morning and get ready to go somewhere. Anywhere.
In my mind Nathan was such a difficult baby, and I didn't know how to take care of him. He would cry and I would cry.
We never got in sync with each other and the 13 weeks we spent together were a rough start to motherhood.
Looking back, Nathan was a normal baby and Noah is the same as Nathan was. Perhaps now after having gone through it once before, I am more mentally equipped to deal with a baby.
I am a better mother to Noah thanks to Nathan. I realize that these moments are fleeting and pass much to quickly.
I also realize that I might not get another chance to see these milestones. I have no idea if another baby is in our future.
Nathan made me a mother and made me understand how to deal with these changes within myself. How to deal with the beauty that comes with watching your child grow and evolve as a little person.
I am not ashamed to admit that I cried when I left him yesterday. That a little piece of my heart broke as I walked away from him.
I know that he is in amazing hands. I know that he will flourish in daycare that way that Nathan has. Knowing all of this doesn't make it any easier.