Friday Funny: Re-education

Disclaimer:  If you are a man you might not want to read this post AT ALL!  If you continue to keep reading, please note that you have been warned.

When I became pregnant in France, I knew no one.  There was nobody I could turn to and ask "is this normal"?  I simply went along with everything and anything the doctors and midwives told me.  I would constantly Google some of the craziness, but only American forums would appear reassuring me that everything that was happening during my pregnancy was {not normal} or should I say {not American}.

When I went to my OBGYN after Nathan was born I was given a prescription for something called "re-education".  I wasn't sure what it meant but being the good (and na├»ve) patient that I am, I asked very few questions.  From what I understood I was going to go to classes to "re-educate" my body.  Hmm, except that wasn't exactly the case.

I went to my first (out of 15) sessions completely ignorant as to what was about to go down.  I was called back to a room when a young woman came in and asked me take off my pants.  You think I would have been shocked, but seriously I have been naked so many times in front of random strangers that I thought it was par for the course.

I was {NOT} however prepared for what was about to happen next.

She explained that after women carry children, the perineum muscles lose their tone.  Apparently it is believed that tone to this muscle must be restored in order to be able to "resume" normal functions and of course carry future children.

Since these classes don't exist in the US, I'm assuming that all women in the US after birth are peeing on themselves or hold their future children inside their bodies.  At least that is almost how it was explained.

So after this lovely explanation she pulled out a white rod, which she then plugged into a computer.  This white rod looked almost like a vibrator and served a similar function.  I knew I was in trouble.

After it was in place, she started touching the keyboard on the computer screen.  She asked me to stop once I felt "something".  Really, lady?  Really?

It went from completely awkward to WTF is that?  When she said "feel" something she meant an electric shock!  These electrical shocks are meant to stimulate the muscles.  I was then asked to "squeeze" and "contract" while the computer tracked my movements!  Oh the humiliation.

Doing kegels in front of a random stranger  isn't bad enough, they have to be projected on the screen for my amusement!  And then it got fun, the computer screen turned into a series of pyramids and trapezoids while she asked me to "contract" with the shapes.

It reminded me of an old' school Atari game and even with my crotch I was doing great!

And so continued to the fifteen sessions.  I do have to admit that my stomach muscles afterwards went quickly back to normal, as for the effectiveness of the kegels I can't say.  I haven't peed on myself involuntarily so I'm assuming success.
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Katharine said...

Good god I can't believe you went back after the first session! Just hearing about it makes me feel awkward! France (from what I've read on your blog) is very pro nudity, and I guess there is nothing that a doctor can ask that is too weird! Hilarious!

Michelle said...

Oh my gosh that is so bizarre! It's official...I'm never moving to France! I think I'd die of embarrassment!

Matty said...

My initial reaction is.....OUCH! x 15

C... said...

That's hilarious :) - I can't imagine doing this in front of anyone.

Natalia Simmons said...

LOL this is hilarious! I heard about this, but I had both my kids in the states. I guess you stay 'tight' HAHA

Liz said...

I cannot believe this is a standard-issue thing! I do know someone who had such a big tear that she was sent for PT "down there." I think it was pretty much this same thing.

blueviolet said...

Oh boy, that is awkward, awkward, awkward!!!!

va_grown said...

O-M-G--I'm laughing so hard I'm going to pee my pants! (Naturally, since I had all my kids in America and didn't have the benefit of re-education) You poor thing--I would have died right there. So many cultural differences! What an adventure to tell you daughters about one day!

I've never heard of such a thing but you better believe I'm going to ask my obgyn about it at my next check up!

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