Guilty Fear

Since going back to work last February, I started living in a state of perpetual fear.

Every single time my phone rings, my heart sinks down to the pit of my stomach.  I take a deep breath as  brace myself for what I am about to hear.  There is a moment of relief when I realize it is a business call and not the daycare telling me that there is something wrong.

The fear doesn't end with the phone.  Every evening as I make my way through the daycare to pick Nathan up, I fear for what they will tell me.

Monday, was one of these days.  There was no impending phone call of doom, but as soon as I started my way towards the classroom, I saw it.  Nathan was in the arms of one of his teachers and he was wearing nothing but a onesie.  That is never a good sign.  As  I got closer I saw his wet cheeks and red eyes; he had been crying.

As his teacher explained he had a fever of 38.5, my mind quickly raced.  Divide by 2, no wait multiply by 10...add 32.  What does that mean??!!  I smile politely grab his belongings and proceed to dress my child.  They must think I'm an idiot.

Sadly, since Nathan started daycare this is my life.  He is sick more often than not.  We constantly try to juggle our schedules because he misses more school than attends.  We see our pediatrician on a weekly basis.  And my motherly guilt just keeps getting worse.

In any case, we kept a close eye on Monday and he seemed fine.  Tuesday came and he woke up fever free.  A small cough, but we decided to send him to daycare.

I watched the phone all day work.  No daycare phone call.  I felt relieved.  Relieved that is until I made my way to pick him up.  There was no good news.  He had a cough that wouldn't stop.  He didn't eat all day.  He was not at 100%.  Here we go again.  Then we saw the add on the board.

"Due to an epidemic of bronchiole all kids with heavy breathing would be evicted from the daycare until it is under control".

Is this Nathan?

I became paranoid.  We decided that since he didn't have a fever and his breathing was forced that we would skip the trip to pediatrician until we were told otherwise.

This is where things went downhill.  While waiting for my phone call of doom.  My throat started swelling up.  I started sneezing and the runny nose began to flow.

Wouldn't you know it?

All this time I was so paranoid and afraid of Nathan getting sick that I was the one now sick.

Nathan ended up having a great week at daycare.  He wasn't sick.

As for me?  I'm still sick.  Trying my best to be supermom with a stuffy head and runny nose.

But this feeling of fear and guilt.  Does it ever go away?
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2 comments:

Natalia Simmons said...

We are the opposite! My kids have the same stinkin thing, but thankfully I haven't gotten it, yet. It is miserable. My 9 month old has a horribly stuffy nose, cough and come and go fever. My 3 year old has a horrible cough and stuffy/runny nose. And to top it off the weather here has be incredible. And I haven't left the house in 3 days... starting to go crazy!! I hope you feel better soon!

va_grown said...

I feel pretty good about our daycare person, but any time I see her number come up on my caller id, my heart and mind start racing. The very first thing she always says when I answer is "Jamie, it's Benita, your children are fine" right off. She knows I'm worried sick that she called.

Of course it's worse when she says, "Jamie, it's Benita, I think--" I know that's just bad news. I don't know if you ever get over that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach.

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