It has been about one month now since I have gone back to work. The last few weeks while I was home with Nathan I felt like I was so extremely ready to go back. The weather, which was cold, grey and miserable wasn't helping. As the time drew nearer to the big day, the anxiety and the stress of all the things we still hadn't done were overwhelming! The daycare situation was still not resolved, and while I knew I wanted to go back to work, I wasn't sure if I would be able to. Then there was the question about the finances - if I didn't go back to work we would have to establish some priorities. Then little by little all the pieces started fitting into place. We were very lucky that our friend Iliana agreed to watch Nathan during the days. It was all set - I was ready to go back to work, or so I thought.
The day before going back to work I was so nervous. It felt like the night before the first day of school, but a little bit worse. I was worried to make sure that we didn't forget to take anything with us in the morning, and to make sure that Nathan would have all he needed to be comfortable! And before I knew it - the big day arrived. The morning was chaotic! It had been forever since I had gotten ready for work, not to mention getting someone else ready for work. Once we were all ready and the car packed up the difficult part came - leaving Nathan.
I think as a mother, this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I remember looking at his little face and feeling so incredibly guilty. It was a guilt unlike any I have ever felt before, which is a lot to say considering I was raised Catholic. I looked into his little eyes and all I could imagine was him telling me "How can you abandon me mom? Am I not cute enough? Do I not make you happy enough"? It was heartbreaking. Cornel dragged me away, and I got teary eyed!
My first day at the office was HORRIBLE! Nothing bad or out of the ordinary happened, but I missed Nathan. There was an incredible hole in my heart, unlike anything I have ever felt before! I felt like the Grinch, when his heart grew two sizes...when did I become so sappy?...oh yeah, the day I became a mom! I locked my cell phone in my desk so that I wouldn't be tempted to call every five minutes asking if he was okay. I think I would have driven myself crazy. What if there was no answer? Was Nathan okay? What if he was having too much fun? I didn't call. Instead I just thought about him every second of the day and counted the minutes until I got to go and pick him up. One of the longest and hardest days I have endured.
But, being the trooper that I am, I survived. I made it though my first day and shortly there after through my first week. It didn't get easier. It was so hard to see Nathan smiling and laughing as soon as I dropped him off. The nerve!! He didn't even MISS me!! But weeks has now turned into a month, and while it is still so hard to leave Nathan, I am reassured that he is in amazing hands. That is all that I can wish for.
I can't believe it has taken me this long to post this. Nathan is about 4 1/2 months old now and I don't know where the time has gone! It seems like this month has been so busy! Now that it is springtime and the sun has finally started shining I feel like we have blossomed as a family!
And now on to some fun Nathan facts
Age - Well, officially today he is 4 months 2 weeks and 1 days, but all of the following measurements were taken at 4 months and 1 day.
Weight - 6.3 KG's, or 13.95 pounds - he is turning into quite the chunky monkey
Height - 61 cm or 24 inches - and yes, I am afraid that he will quickly start towering over me!
Eating - I am still nursing and this is the big month where Nathan starts solids. I am very hesitant to give him solids, not out of any medical concerns but just because I feel like he is growing up too fast! I am not ready for him to start solids, and yes, I realize how crazy this all sounds.
Sleeping - AMAZING! For the past month now, Nathan has been sleeping through the night. After his 8 p.m, bath he has one last feeding and is in bed until around 6 or 7 in the morning. I am so very grateful that I am not completely exhausted at work.
Milestones- He has changed so much this month! We have had many milestones, he is now grasping at things and grabbing everything, the downside being that now everything goes in his mouth! He is laughing, smiling and cooing all the time. He can sit, although not by himself, and be entertained for a while with his toys. We also took our first vacation as a family and he survived traveling! More details to come later.
I started work this month and it is so hard to be away from him all day for so long. My heart breaks every time I leave him in the mornings. He is in amazing hands and I know he loves his Tia Iliana, but it is so heartbreaking when I leave him and he is smiling and laughing. He doesn't even miss his mommy!! I love getting text with his pictures and hearing how his day is going. It is so reassuring to know he is happy. I also love the time I spend with him when we get home. I just wish I had more time with him. Ironic, since I couldn't wait to go back to work.
I am very excited to see how much he changes in the next few weeks!