I had always assumed that with my medical history, having children would not be an easy task. A woman always hears the stories of healthy women who have tried or are trying for years for children without success. Infertility, low fertility, etc. all of these words are so rampant in our society that I always thought “if it’s hard for them, it’s impossible for someone like me.
With less than a year of marriage, Cornel and I were not actively trying for children. This is why after a few weeks of a missed period I assumed the worst. All possible scenarios ran through my head, “Am I sick again?” “How do I tell Cornel something is wrong”, and I began researching specialists to prepare for my impending doom. For one brief second I thought “maybe I’m pregnant”. I knew that once confirming that I wasn’t pregnant, I could prepare myself and Cornel for the long battle we had ahead. I couldn’t believe it when I saw the positive result…”OMG I’m not dying…I’m pregnant!”
We were both very excited, but extremely nervous.As instructed by the doctor we went down to the laboratory and had blood tests done. After receiving the results, we were off to see the doctor. After reading my HCG levels (I’m still not quite sure what those are), she said that they were high given the stage of my pregnancy, so she ordered an ultrasound immediately.
The days before the ultrasound were nerve wrecking and all I could do was wonder if the baby was okay. The doctor put the ultrasound machine on me, and I couldn’t believe it. It looked like a baby, and I could see his heart moving. I couldn’t even believe that this little thing was inside me. Then he turned on the sound and we heard it….the “flub, flub, flub” of the baby’s heartbeat. 171 beats per minute.
I thought I would feel better after having seen the baby…but frankly it has gotten worse. Now I worry about things I never thought about before in my life: calcium intake, caffeine, iron supplements, vitamins. It’s a non-stop rollercoaster of guilt and worry. What if I don’t get all the nutrients I need? Is the baby still doing okay in there? Making sure I don’t touch the cat too much for fear of the dreaded “toxoplasmosis”.
Then there are the practical things like day care. I knew I wanted to go back to work but I never thought that I would have to visit daycares now, before the baby is even here! Having to worry about the one year waiting list and whether or not the baby will be able to get in. All these things are insane to think about! I mean seriously it's daycare not YALE!
We now have a little less than two weeks until we see the baby again and see if he is doing okay. Until then, I will continue to go to daycare appointments, take vitamins, and hope that I can survive the next few months without stressing myself out.